Target: The Experience

The Promised Land (Getty Images)

So, I saw this video on my Facebook a few weeks ago called “Thoughts Every Woman Has in Target.” It was nothing short of a revelation. 

One of the greatest unresolved mysteries in my life had been my wife Michelle’s relationship with Target. What was it about that store? I just didn’t get it. Sure, it has lots of different stuff to buy and it’s kind of a more sophisticated version of Wal-Mart and there is sometimes a Starbucks in it, but why is it the second greatest love of her life (or more realistically, perhaps, the first greatest love…but let’s remain optimistic). 

Link-apalooza #11: On Spirit Animals

Horses (by Getty Images)

The other day I was listening to a podcast and, for some reason, I started thinking about Spirit Animals. I have no idea why, really. I mean, I’m pretty okay with animals; I generally like them and all. Yes, the more I think about it, I would definitely classify myself as pro-animal. And as far as spirits go, I’m pretty ambivalent. I have never taken a strong stance for or against. But, I can’t put my finger on why this particular podcast brought the Spirit Animal concept to mind. It’s not something I often think about. However, it just jumped right into my brain, like Bennett diving headlong into any full-size human he comes across who happens to be seated in an accessible position. I looked away for a second, and boom, there it was.

Masculinity and Lawnmowers FTW: An Important Update

If you missed the first segment in what has unfortunately become an ongoing series, get up to speed here before reading any further.

The proposed lawnmower repair instructional YouTube video continues as follows: 

19. After several weeks have passed and you’ve already returned your brother’s lawnmower after borrowing and using it to save yourself and your family from the ever-encroaching tangle of weeds and exotic grasses that once was your yard, but had morphed into a thriving, highly-threatening, and frankly, terrifying tropical ecosystem, go back to Lowe’s and buy a rotary, push lawnmower that you believe is appropriate for your level of mechanical prowess and is also sufficiently hipster and eco-friendly (pictured below). (Read here for more on my new-found commitment to a hipster lifestyle.)

My Baby

20. Following the directions in the operator’s manual, assemble the lawnmower handle and attach it to the mower part thing (like a boss). 

21. After a few failed push attempts, realize that you have attached the handle backwards. De-attach the handle from the mower part thing, turn it around, and re-attach it in the correct orientation (like a boss). 

22. Try, without success, to attach the final two little ring clip things that the operator’s manual says just snap in. Give up and decide that they are probably not that important anyway. 

23. Invigorated with a spirit of hopefulness and a burgeoning joie de vivre, start mowing your lawn.

24. During the 5-hour lawn mowing period, in which you push and cajole your new mower in every conceivable pattern over, around, and through your front lawn (jungle) until your legs are covered with unidentifiable little green sticker things and the sweat on your t-shirt and shorts has filed for its own Social Security number, slowly come to the demoralizing realization that rotary push mowers are likely most effective when your lawn has the consistency and character of a croquet lawn or Augusta National ‘second cut,’ rather than an Amazon rain forest. 

25. Dejectedly wheel your sad, yet still gleaming, mower back into the garage. Go inside and Google “machetes for lawn,” because that seems like the logical next step. 

26. To be continued…

Green Day and Mumford & Sons…as Heard By My 3-Year-Old

Jacob (the 3-year-old) reached a very important developmental milestone recently: He started paying at least a small bit of attention to the songs playing on our car stereo system. I was happy at first, because I am more than ready to share my impeccable musical taste with my offspring. However, I was also a bit sad (isn’t that always how it is?) because it marked the end of the obliviousness era. Alas, my favorite 2 Live Crew CD and Tupac’s incomparable “Hit ‘Em Up” single must now be consigned to my handy Discman that I use when I’m working out. The kids are officially paying attention and impressionable.

Link-apalooza #10: The Dog Rescuer

I don’t know how this keeps happening, but these posts seem to keep getting farther apart. I’m just soooo busy, I tell you! This week I got sidetracked by rescuing a dog. No big deal. It’s kind of what I’m known for, as some of my most loyal readers (Mom) might remember.

This time around, the boys and I had just left my parents house when we passed a pickup truck going the other direction. When we were about even with the truck I noticed a small dog was attempting to throw himself out of the truck bed. I looked in the side mirror after we passed by and yes, confirmed, there it was: a dachshund toppling comically over the edge of the truck, flailing and flipping on its back as it fell to the road. The dog was clearly a bit stunned and took a second to gather himself before stumbling to his feet and hobbling to the sidewalk. I’m not sure, but I think he glanced around to make sure no one had seen his remarkably ungraceful tumble. The truck didn’t stop and continued to the very end of the dead-end street before turning into a driveway. I stopped the car, backed up, and got out. It was time for me to shine.

In case you were wondering, this is what a dachshund looks like. To be clear, this is not an actual picture of my dachshund, but rather, a dachshund file photo. But, how adorable is it that he's drinking out of a coffee cup?!? (Getty Images)