In Defense of the Predictable

“Pretend that you think you left Jacob at Betsy’s house,” said recently turned four-year-old Jacob.

“OK,” I replied.

“Tell Mommy!” he whispered loudly. 

“Oh no, I think we left Jacob at Betsy’s!” I feel like I nailed it. Much like a Broadway actor in the final performance of a long running show, my delivery was so fresh you would never guess I had delivered this same line about 100 times in the last day and a half. 

“Ahhh!” Mommy responded gamely. “We have to drive back and get him right now!”

I took the car keys out of my pocket and tossed them across the room to her. It was off script, but I can be pretty bold with my improvisations. I feel like it really added something.

Jacob pulled the blanket off his head revealing his smiling-like-a-possum face.

“I’m here!”

“Oh thank goodness,” I replied with great relief. “We thought we forgot you.”

{Scene}

To My First Born on His Fourth Birthday

You’re four years old now, so I think it’s time I finally leveled with you. I don’t really remember that much from the first year or two of your existence. To be totally honest, I feel like at any given moment I have a decent handle on the last two or three weeks, but anything beyond that is a bit of a crap shoot. It seems like all the new stuff just crowds out the old stuff. I know you so well right now, but I can hardly remember what you sounded like when you were two. It’s best that you learn this now, because barring the advent of an age-reversing revolution that I’m still hoping is just around the corner, this will likely only get worse for me.

I know it’s your birthday and all and it’s supposed to be about you, but while I have your attention, let me complain for a moment. Do you have the time to listen to me whine? I’m going to assume that you do, so here we go. It really annoys me that I don’t have a better memory!

Bedtime Routines

Anybody out there have an interesting bedtime routine?

I think mine is pretty normal. Probably most of you can relate. I floss and brush my teeth, then take out my contacts while swirling my mouthwash (Listerine, mint flavored) for 30 seconds. Then I hop into bed with my phone and check my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter to see if I have any mentions. When I find, inevitably, that I don’t have any mentions and everyone hates me, I open my email and delete all the spam emails that have built up in the intervening seven minutes since I last checked. That always cheers me up. 

Then I plug my phone into the charger that now stays by my bed. 

[Quick aside. Big news: we just received three more phone chargers that we ordered on Amazon from China. Slow delivery, but the price was right. I had so much fun deciding where to position the new chargers (the four we already had plus the new three). In case you are wondering: kitchen, beside bed in master bedroom, other side of bed in master bedroom, upstairs bedroom, each of two cars, and crazy wild card to move around as needed.] 

Anyway, after I lie down for a few minutes, I unplug my phone one last time to check for any social media mentions. Once again I find none, plug my phone back in, and go to sleep.

ManWhoHasItAll Has It All Figured Out

I kind of love Twitter. I would go so far to say there are about five things I really care about: my wife, my kids, my family, watching sports on TV, and Twitter. I heard it said once that Facebook is where you learn to dislike people you know in real life and Twitter is where you learn to love people you will never meet. That pretty much sums it up. Over time I’ve cultivated a Twitter news feed that creates a harmonious echo chamber that caters to my interests: sports, leftist politics, sarcasm, parenting, and celebrities. 

It’s gotten to the point that I don’t really know how I used to watch live sports on TV, award shows, or presidential debates without Twitter. There’s no going back now; the whole experience has changed.

Every now and then, though, a person or account on Twitter really jumps out at me. I found this new account, ManWhoHasItAll (@manwhohasitall), through some retweets by my like-minded Twitter peeps.

Here is a taste...