What Did We Learn This Week? My 3-Year-Old Is Better at Parenting Than I Am

Just when I thought I had it all figured out and was really starting to hit my parenting groove, boom, my mom tells me a story about how my 3-year-old developed a new parenting strategy to employ if you ever find yourself in the unenviable position of being in a store with your kids.

My mom had to pick up some paperwork at the hospital the other day and Jacob went with her. They stopped off in the hospital gift shop, which is basically a cross between Toys R’ Us and paradise as far as 3-year-olds are concerned. But apparently, instead of demanding that my mom buy him something from the array of irresistible stuffed chipmunks, flower pens, and novelty candies, he picked up items, inspected them, made a mental list of things he might like to buy next time, and put them back. No tears, no begging, not even a polite request. 

My mom thought that making a list of things he might like to buy next time was a particularly brilliant parenting maneuver that we had developed. Unfortunately, I had to confess that no, we weren’t that good, he made that up on his own. 

Come on! I’ve been writing all this stuff down for like a year and I haven’t delivered even one fully-formed parenting strategy? And yet, my 3-year-old has already developed a really good one? Sure, you love it when your kids succeed and do better than you and blah blah blah, but….come on!

Anyway, I don’t really like giving advice because it feels a little pretentious. But, passing along parenting tactics devised by my 3-year-old feels pretty okay. So, test this one out. Let me know if the old “think of things you’d like to buy next time” strategy works for you. If it doesn’t, just blame Jacob, it was all his idea.

TV and Growing Up

The boys and I were on one of our trademark car rides the other day when a vivid memory popped into Jacob’s 3-year-old brain and he had to get it out. 

An Imaginary Visit from Pa-Pa

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it on here before or not, but those days when Mommy is working (from 6:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.) and the boys and I are home by ourselves all day can feel really long. Of course, I’m sure they feel really long for Mommy as well, but it’s perhaps a different kind of long. An apples to oranges comparison, one might say.

Green Day and Mumford & Sons…as Heard By My 3-Year-Old

Jacob (the 3-year-old) reached a very important developmental milestone recently: He started paying at least a small bit of attention to the songs playing on our car stereo system. I was happy at first, because I am more than ready to share my impeccable musical taste with my offspring. However, I was also a bit sad (isn’t that always how it is?) because it marked the end of the obliviousness era. Alas, my favorite 2 Live Crew CD and Tupac’s incomparable “Hit ‘Em Up” single must now be consigned to my handy Discman that I use when I’m working out. The kids are officially paying attention and impressionable.

Imagination Games

I got caught up in one of Jacob’s imagination games the other day. This happens at some point every day, but this one was particularly informative. The game this time was jail. I’m not sure where he learned about the concept of jail, but since 90% of his knowledge is derived from Disney Jr. shows, it’s a relatively safe bet it came from somewhere on there. That being said, my money is on Sheriff Callie.

How to Potty Train Your Three-and-Two-Thirds-Year-Old in 21 Easy Steps

Oh man, potty training! Am I right?!?

Just the thought of the dreaded P word (poop, pee, potty…take your pick) is enough to send parental stress levels soaring. At least that’s how parents of toddlers used to feel. Have no fear, though, those worries are a thing of the past. I’ve got you covered. Here’s an absolutely fool-proof method for potty training your three-and-two-thirds-year-old in a maximum of two days. 

Link-apalooza #9: Aww, Darn It!

We were riding home in the car the other night and out of the blue Jacob (the 3-year-old) said from the back seat, “Aww, darn it!” It caught Michelle and me completely by surprise, so, of course, we both laughed a little. Huge mistake. Sufficiently emboldened, he went on to repeat his new phrase 57 times in a row. We completely ignored him and didn’t react in any way to the subsequent 56 repeats, but he still kept it up. 57 times. With the same little laugh after each iteration. 

Someone Is Watching

File Photo

Some days, when you’re a parent, you find yourself carrying a stick, chasing a crying 3-year-old down the street. There’s no getting around it; it’s just one of those things that happens.

Money Store Man

Sometimes it seems like yesterday that I was a young(ish) lad, energized by idealism, prowling the cobble-stoned streets of Cambridge in my vegan loafers. Of course, it wasn’t yesterday; it was almost four years ago. And to be totally honest, most of the time it feels like if it was 100 years ago or that perhaps it never even happened at all. 

It's Comedy and Tragedy

Every good story is built around a perfect mix of comedy and tragedy. Similarly, every day of parenting has an often not so perfect mix of the same two ingredients. The days the scale tips in favor of comedy are the great ones. And when it goes the other way, well, let’s just say that’s when you’ll find me pounding the pavement at 10 p.m. Or pounding something at least.

6 Pointless Things I Say to My 3-Year-Old

Trying to reason with a 3-year-old is roughly the equivalent of simultaneously having a root canal while repeatedly banging one’s head against the wall.

Me: “It’s time to get dressed.”

3yo: “Nooo! I don’t want to get dressed. Right now!”

Me: “But you have to get dressed so you can play outside.”

3yo: “I don’t want to play outside!”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine then.”

3yo: “I want to play outside, now!”

Me: “Okay, let’s get dressed.”

3yo: “I can’t!”

And repeat, ad infinitum. For 12 hours. Please give me the number for the nearest head banging root canal procedure location, right now!