My 4-Year-Old's Restaurant

Well, I can't say I'm too surprised he got some negative reviews. I mean, my most recent dining experience looked like this...

But hey, looks like he's doing something right!

Yelp Reviews

(Thanks to the editors at Razed for running with this!)

Best of 2015: An Explorations of Ambiguity Year in Review

2015 was quite a year for the Explorations of Ambiguity team. And, of course, by Explorations of Ambiguity Team I mean me. At the end of the day, it really is all about me.

I tried to fix a lawnmower. I went to Target. I cut my own hair several times. I read some stuff. I watched some Disney Junior (okay, a little more than some). I waxed nostalgic occasionally (okay, maybe a little more than occasionally). I got depressed once or twice (okay, probably a bit more than once or twice). Both my kids had birthdays. I created the smash hit blog series: Link-apalooza. Somebody liked one of my tweets. I learned to love myself just a little bit more.

But, you might be wondering, what does a raging narcissist do at the end of the year? The answer: create a greatest hits list of his top blog posts and then sit at home by himself on New Year’s Eve, of course. 

So, without further ado, I present the Top 10 most read Explorations of Ambiguity posts of 2015. Hold on to your hats, folks, because here we go!

Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (A Book Review)

OK, I’m trying a little something new here because, of course, Explorations loves to innovate. I just read a new book of parenting essays called Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever edited by Alexa Bigwarfe and Kerry Rivera. If you’re looking for a quick read about the adventure that is parenting, I think you should check this one out. (Disclaimer: I signed up to receive a complimentary advance copy of the e-book.)

Nightmares in Parenting

The funny thing about social phobia is that even when you think you’ve kind of escaped it, you really haven’t. If social phobia (or social anxiety or shyness or whatever you want to call it) was an NBA player, it would definitely be in the running for the Comeback Player of the Year award. 

I think what happens, really, is that once you enter middle adulthood, you start to forget about, little by little, how crushing that anxiety was when you were younger and constantly forced to perform. In school, in finding jobs, in trying (or not) to make friends and date. Once you hit your 30s, a lot of the forced performance is behind you. Through a combination of treatment and life choices, you can settle in and manage. I have become an All-Pro avoider. Situations that make me uncomfortable—parties, groups, talking on the phone, interviews—I’m kind of done with those. As much as I can avoid things like that, I do. And, you know what? It’s been working. 

In Defense of the Predictable

“Pretend that you think you left Jacob at Betsy’s house,” said recently turned four-year-old Jacob.

“OK,” I replied.

“Tell Mommy!” he whispered loudly. 

“Oh no, I think we left Jacob at Betsy’s!” I feel like I nailed it. Much like a Broadway actor in the final performance of a long running show, my delivery was so fresh you would never guess I had delivered this same line about 100 times in the last day and a half. 

“Ahhh!” Mommy responded gamely. “We have to drive back and get him right now!”

I took the car keys out of my pocket and tossed them across the room to her. It was off script, but I can be pretty bold with my improvisations. I feel like it really added something.

Jacob pulled the blanket off his head revealing his smiling-like-a-possum face.

“I’m here!”

“Oh thank goodness,” I replied with great relief. “We thought we forgot you.”

{Scene}

To My First Born on His Fourth Birthday

You’re four years old now, so I think it’s time I finally leveled with you. I don’t really remember that much from the first year or two of your existence. To be totally honest, I feel like at any given moment I have a decent handle on the last two or three weeks, but anything beyond that is a bit of a crap shoot. It seems like all the new stuff just crowds out the old stuff. I know you so well right now, but I can hardly remember what you sounded like when you were two. It’s best that you learn this now, because barring the advent of an age-reversing revolution that I’m still hoping is just around the corner, this will likely only get worse for me.

I know it’s your birthday and all and it’s supposed to be about you, but while I have your attention, let me complain for a moment. Do you have the time to listen to me whine? I’m going to assume that you do, so here we go. It really annoys me that I don’t have a better memory!

Bedtime Routines

Anybody out there have an interesting bedtime routine?

I think mine is pretty normal. Probably most of you can relate. I floss and brush my teeth, then take out my contacts while swirling my mouthwash (Listerine, mint flavored) for 30 seconds. Then I hop into bed with my phone and check my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter to see if I have any mentions. When I find, inevitably, that I don’t have any mentions and everyone hates me, I open my email and delete all the spam emails that have built up in the intervening seven minutes since I last checked. That always cheers me up. 

Then I plug my phone into the charger that now stays by my bed. 

[Quick aside. Big news: we just received three more phone chargers that we ordered on Amazon from China. Slow delivery, but the price was right. I had so much fun deciding where to position the new chargers (the four we already had plus the new three). In case you are wondering: kitchen, beside bed in master bedroom, other side of bed in master bedroom, upstairs bedroom, each of two cars, and crazy wild card to move around as needed.] 

Anyway, after I lie down for a few minutes, I unplug my phone one last time to check for any social media mentions. Once again I find none, plug my phone back in, and go to sleep.

How to Make the Perfect Pirate Jack-O’-Lantern

As you all know, I’m huge into arts and crafts. They are, basically, my raison d’etre. So, I figure it’s about time that I give a little gift to the world and share some of my crafty knowledge. 

I don’t use Pinterest, because frankly, I don’t need to; I have all the arts and crafts ideas I will ever need stored between my ears. But, I know many of less crafty among us need that kind of help, so feel free to Pin this. Be prepared for it to go viral.

Nothing can quite compare to the pressure of jack-o’-lantern carving. Every year when the calendar flips to October, you can just sense the tension building. The air becomes cooler and drier, leaves rustle in the breeze, and people start freaking out about pumpkin carving. Just take a stroll around the grocery store and look into people’s faces. They try to act normal, but you can see it in their eyes. The nagging question that keeps them up every night: “What am I going to do with this freakin’ pumpkin?”

You feel like you’ve done it all: triangle eyes, square eyes, circle nose (tragically, never again), a mouth with a couple teeth, everything. You feel like you’ve exhausted all your options. But, have you made a pirate jack-o’-lantern? No, you haven’t, but you are about to.

Link-apalooza #9: Aww, Darn It!

We were riding home in the car the other night and out of the blue Jacob (the 3-year-old) said from the back seat, “Aww, darn it!” It caught Michelle and me completely by surprise, so, of course, we both laughed a little. Huge mistake. Sufficiently emboldened, he went on to repeat his new phrase 57 times in a row. We completely ignored him and didn’t react in any way to the subsequent 56 repeats, but he still kept it up. 57 times. With the same little laugh after each iteration. 

Someone Is Watching

File Photo

Some days, when you’re a parent, you find yourself carrying a stick, chasing a crying 3-year-old down the street. There’s no getting around it; it’s just one of those things that happens.

Link-apalooza #8: Just Getting By

Can you really call it a palooza if there is only one link? Think that’s a gray area, but I’m going to go with yes. To be fair, it is quite a long link and one long article was about all I had time for: these photos sum up our week...

Leave Me Alone

Sure, why not?

Actually, I may or may not have even read the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love The Atlantic, but do people really read articles longer than 800 words anymore? I didn’t do a word count on this one, but all of their articles feel like they are about 50,000 words.

Anyway, now that I’ve sufficiently stoked your interest, here it is…

Women’s World Cup: How U.S. Players Balance Motherhood and Soccer

I like this one for two reasons: it’s quite topical (Go USA!) and it provides a new perspective on the work-life balance theme I’ve been exploring lately. Over three years into this parenting deal I’m still completely confused how people have careers and kids. Like, really? How does that work? And, after this last week of solo parenting, I have absolutely no clue how single parents do it. I actually forgot I had a job. And that was in one week. So, how do professional soccer moms manage? Read this to get a glimpse.

5 Boring Things Parents Love

As I was waking up in the hospital after my recent colonoscopy, one of the first things I heard was a man in the recovery bay next to mine telling his wife how incredible he felt. “I haven’t felt this great in ten years,” he said. “Can I just stay here forever?” I didn’t ask, but I’m almost certain he was a dad because I could totally relate. Sure, maybe it was mostly the lingering haze of anesthesia talking, but the sentiment was real: never had a routine medical procedure felt so freeing. Of course, leave it to his wife to bring a heavy dose of buzz kill to the situation. “No,” she laughed. “You have to mow the lawn today.”

Still, it did get me thinking, what kinds of boring and routine things do parents love, perhaps more than they should? I’m not saying parents love these things more than their own children, but sometimes it might be up for debate.

Link-apalooza #2

Welcome to Link-apalooza #2! 

My apologies for being a bit late this week; however, in my defense, I did technically meet my somewhat nebulous publication schedule. If you missed out on Link-apalooza #1, check it out here and get up to speed on what this is all about. 

Parenting Lessons From My All-Star Mom

My favorite part about Mother’s Day in the social media era is learning that everyone’s mom is “The Best Mom in the World!” That moniker has become the equivalent of the ubiquitous participation award in youth sports. Everyone gets a trophy, hooray!

Sorry folks, I’m here to deliver a little slice of harsh reality this Mother’s Day: All your moms are scrambling for the runner-up trophy, because my mom has a strangle hold on the top prize.

Link-apalooza #1

Exciting times here at Explorations! We just launched a Facebook page; please feel free to like it for updates on new posts and random musings. And today we are rolling out a new feature: Link-apalooza!

Hopeless Wanderers

But hold me fast,

Hold me fast,
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

The last several weekends, usually early on Sunday mornings after another harrowing night starring a restless just-turned-1-year-old, I roll out of bed, load the big guy into his car seat, and set out for a driving tour of central Florida to give Mommy an hour or two of rest. I once looked upon this as a bit of a chore, preferable to trying to keep the baby quiet in the house, but still nothing to look forward to. This past Sunday though, it felt different.

#BigBen Strikes One

Forgot the hashtag, but you get the idea

Few things in life are quite as ridiculous as birthday parties for 1-year-olds. Think about it. Besides weddings, where else is a central protagonist of a celebratory event more irrelevant or overlooked? Nowhere. Grooms and 1-year-olds, that’s the list.

Hitting the Snooze Button on #BigBen

In honor of B’s birthday week, welcome to another installment of our new favorite series: Things B Does That Annoy Us. Just kidding! It’s definitely nothing personal; any parents out there who have had a difficult sleeper will understand the struggle. For those of you who don’t have or have never had a B, go back to watching The Bachelor on TV while eating bon-bons or whatever it is you do at night.

You wish

Despite the challenges, I should add (for my Mom’s sake), that B is very cute and snuggly and has such a great personality for a soon-to-be 1-year-old. Just not necessarily at night.

My true aims here are threefold:

1.     Provide a step-by-step guide for the overnight babysitters that I expect will begin to queue up as soon as this goes live.
2.     Create a written record of this experience for future reference (i.e., something I can email myself monthly in case I ever get any ideas about future procreation).
3.     Provide an alternative to the crazy idea of “sleep training” that seems to be gaining momentum. My way is clearly better.

And off we go…

March Madness

Some days this whole parenting thing really sneaks up on you. It’s like routine, routine, routine, then suddenly, boom: Butterfly visit!

It's Comedy and Tragedy

Every good story is built around a perfect mix of comedy and tragedy. Similarly, every day of parenting has an often not so perfect mix of the same two ingredients. The days the scale tips in favor of comedy are the great ones. And when it goes the other way, well, let’s just say that’s when you’ll find me pounding the pavement at 10 p.m. Or pounding something at least.