Preschool So Far: What We Know and What We Don’t Know

Photo by Aaron Burden – Unsplash.com

Our four-year-old is about two weeks into his preschool experience. Somewhat surprisingly, so far, so good. Maybe he’s not so much like me after all. Yay, him!

Perhaps the best part of preschool from the parent side is trying to piece together what exactly goes on from the time we drop him off until the time we pick him up. Attempting to account for that three hour window is definitely still a work in progress. Here are a few things we know and don’t know.

Daddy, I Want You

Sometimes in the middle of the night, when the world is a little blurry around the edges, certain truths come into focus.

Dear Sofia, I’m Really Disappointed

I don’t know about you, but there are few things I love more than Sofia the First. 

Sometimes we’ll be watching an old episode and my four-year-old will lose interest. He’ll start jumping off the couch or whatever. Even worse, sometimes he wants me to do something else with him before the episode is over. He’ll be all like, “Daddy, Daddy! Let’s pretend you think I’m in the TV.” Meanwhile, I’m like, “Dude, chill. We can pretend you’re trapped inside the TV for the two thousandth time today in a few minutes. Right now I need to find out if Sofia and her pathetic horse Minimus are going to overcome incredibly long odds––like the Sixers wining the NBA championship type of odds­­­­––to win this flying horse derby thing and in the process if that little jerk Prince Hugo is going to get his comeuppance.” 

So, you can only imagine that I was pretty pumped to learn that I could write a letter to Sofia and get a personal response in the mail. Wait, I mean my four-year-old could write a letter to Sofia. It’s called Dear Sofia and I learned about it on Disney Junior, obviously. 

My 4-Year-Old's Restaurant

Well, I can't say I'm too surprised he got some negative reviews. I mean, my most recent dining experience looked like this...

But hey, looks like he's doing something right!

Yelp Reviews

(Thanks to the editors at Razed for running with this!)

By a Nose

It finally happened. My four-year-old broke my nose with his head. Let’s be honest, we all knew it was only a matter of time.

It was totally my bad. I was trying to be cute and messed around with bedtime routine. Such an egregious breach of protocol deserves a broken nose. Now, never arrow straight, my nose is a whole other kind of crooked, and I only have myself to blame.

So, what happened?

Best of 2015: An Explorations of Ambiguity Year in Review

2015 was quite a year for the Explorations of Ambiguity team. And, of course, by Explorations of Ambiguity Team I mean me. At the end of the day, it really is all about me.

I tried to fix a lawnmower. I went to Target. I cut my own hair several times. I read some stuff. I watched some Disney Junior (okay, a little more than some). I waxed nostalgic occasionally (okay, maybe a little more than occasionally). I got depressed once or twice (okay, probably a bit more than once or twice). Both my kids had birthdays. I created the smash hit blog series: Link-apalooza. Somebody liked one of my tweets. I learned to love myself just a little bit more.

But, you might be wondering, what does a raging narcissist do at the end of the year? The answer: create a greatest hits list of his top blog posts and then sit at home by himself on New Year’s Eve, of course. 

So, without further ado, I present the Top 10 most read Explorations of Ambiguity posts of 2015. Hold on to your hats, folks, because here we go!

Nothing Gets Me Pumped Like a Good Haircut

Nothing quite compares to that moment when my haircut is just complete and my classic 2-3-4-5 clipper guard smooth fade has achieved that unparalleled state of perfection. There I am, standing in front of my bathroom mirror, electric clippers in hand, tiny pieces of hair sticking to my shoulders, tufts of curly hair littering the bathroom floor, and I’m like, “Andrew, you did it again. Nailed it.” 

A fresh haircut gets me so pumped. 

Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (A Book Review)

OK, I’m trying a little something new here because, of course, Explorations loves to innovate. I just read a new book of parenting essays called Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever edited by Alexa Bigwarfe and Kerry Rivera. If you’re looking for a quick read about the adventure that is parenting, I think you should check this one out. (Disclaimer: I signed up to receive a complimentary advance copy of the e-book.)

Nightmares in Parenting

The funny thing about social phobia is that even when you think you’ve kind of escaped it, you really haven’t. If social phobia (or social anxiety or shyness or whatever you want to call it) was an NBA player, it would definitely be in the running for the Comeback Player of the Year award. 

I think what happens, really, is that once you enter middle adulthood, you start to forget about, little by little, how crushing that anxiety was when you were younger and constantly forced to perform. In school, in finding jobs, in trying (or not) to make friends and date. Once you hit your 30s, a lot of the forced performance is behind you. Through a combination of treatment and life choices, you can settle in and manage. I have become an All-Pro avoider. Situations that make me uncomfortable—parties, groups, talking on the phone, interviews—I’m kind of done with those. As much as I can avoid things like that, I do. And, you know what? It’s been working. 

In Defense of the Predictable

“Pretend that you think you left Jacob at Betsy’s house,” said recently turned four-year-old Jacob.

“OK,” I replied.

“Tell Mommy!” he whispered loudly. 

“Oh no, I think we left Jacob at Betsy’s!” I feel like I nailed it. Much like a Broadway actor in the final performance of a long running show, my delivery was so fresh you would never guess I had delivered this same line about 100 times in the last day and a half. 

“Ahhh!” Mommy responded gamely. “We have to drive back and get him right now!”

I took the car keys out of my pocket and tossed them across the room to her. It was off script, but I can be pretty bold with my improvisations. I feel like it really added something.

Jacob pulled the blanket off his head revealing his smiling-like-a-possum face.

“I’m here!”

“Oh thank goodness,” I replied with great relief. “We thought we forgot you.”

{Scene}

To My First Born on His Fourth Birthday

You’re four years old now, so I think it’s time I finally leveled with you. I don’t really remember that much from the first year or two of your existence. To be totally honest, I feel like at any given moment I have a decent handle on the last two or three weeks, but anything beyond that is a bit of a crap shoot. It seems like all the new stuff just crowds out the old stuff. I know you so well right now, but I can hardly remember what you sounded like when you were two. It’s best that you learn this now, because barring the advent of an age-reversing revolution that I’m still hoping is just around the corner, this will likely only get worse for me.

I know it’s your birthday and all and it’s supposed to be about you, but while I have your attention, let me complain for a moment. Do you have the time to listen to me whine? I’m going to assume that you do, so here we go. It really annoys me that I don’t have a better memory!

Bedtime Routines

Anybody out there have an interesting bedtime routine?

I think mine is pretty normal. Probably most of you can relate. I floss and brush my teeth, then take out my contacts while swirling my mouthwash (Listerine, mint flavored) for 30 seconds. Then I hop into bed with my phone and check my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter to see if I have any mentions. When I find, inevitably, that I don’t have any mentions and everyone hates me, I open my email and delete all the spam emails that have built up in the intervening seven minutes since I last checked. That always cheers me up. 

Then I plug my phone into the charger that now stays by my bed. 

[Quick aside. Big news: we just received three more phone chargers that we ordered on Amazon from China. Slow delivery, but the price was right. I had so much fun deciding where to position the new chargers (the four we already had plus the new three). In case you are wondering: kitchen, beside bed in master bedroom, other side of bed in master bedroom, upstairs bedroom, each of two cars, and crazy wild card to move around as needed.] 

Anyway, after I lie down for a few minutes, I unplug my phone one last time to check for any social media mentions. Once again I find none, plug my phone back in, and go to sleep.

ManWhoHasItAll Has It All Figured Out

I kind of love Twitter. I would go so far to say there are about five things I really care about: my wife, my kids, my family, watching sports on TV, and Twitter. I heard it said once that Facebook is where you learn to dislike people you know in real life and Twitter is where you learn to love people you will never meet. That pretty much sums it up. Over time I’ve cultivated a Twitter news feed that creates a harmonious echo chamber that caters to my interests: sports, leftist politics, sarcasm, parenting, and celebrities. 

It’s gotten to the point that I don’t really know how I used to watch live sports on TV, award shows, or presidential debates without Twitter. There’s no going back now; the whole experience has changed.

Every now and then, though, a person or account on Twitter really jumps out at me. I found this new account, ManWhoHasItAll (@manwhohasitall), through some retweets by my like-minded Twitter peeps.

Here is a taste...

What Did We Learn This Week? My 3-Year-Old Is Better at Parenting Than I Am

Just when I thought I had it all figured out and was really starting to hit my parenting groove, boom, my mom tells me a story about how my 3-year-old developed a new parenting strategy to employ if you ever find yourself in the unenviable position of being in a store with your kids.

My mom had to pick up some paperwork at the hospital the other day and Jacob went with her. They stopped off in the hospital gift shop, which is basically a cross between Toys R’ Us and paradise as far as 3-year-olds are concerned. But apparently, instead of demanding that my mom buy him something from the array of irresistible stuffed chipmunks, flower pens, and novelty candies, he picked up items, inspected them, made a mental list of things he might like to buy next time, and put them back. No tears, no begging, not even a polite request. 

My mom thought that making a list of things he might like to buy next time was a particularly brilliant parenting maneuver that we had developed. Unfortunately, I had to confess that no, we weren’t that good, he made that up on his own. 

Come on! I’ve been writing all this stuff down for like a year and I haven’t delivered even one fully-formed parenting strategy? And yet, my 3-year-old has already developed a really good one? Sure, you love it when your kids succeed and do better than you and blah blah blah, but….come on!

Anyway, I don’t really like giving advice because it feels a little pretentious. But, passing along parenting tactics devised by my 3-year-old feels pretty okay. So, test this one out. Let me know if the old “think of things you’d like to buy next time” strategy works for you. If it doesn’t, just blame Jacob, it was all his idea.

Self-Inflicted Parenting Wounds

Long, uninterrupted periods of time in which your only meaningful human contact is with miniature persons that sometimes seem like bipolar wind-up toys can do weird things to your brain. As a person who tends to operate on a relatively even emotional keel, rarely deviating too far from a comfortable indifference except, perhaps, when sports are on TV, the kind of intensity that small children throw at you every waking second of every day is, well, rather intense. 

Sure, the negative emotion is obviously challenging, but even the unbridled happiness and eagerness is draining. I mean, it’s like Paul Rudd’s character says to Seth Rogen’s character in Knocked Up (I think), I sometimes wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.

TV and Growing Up

The boys and I were on one of our trademark car rides the other day when a vivid memory popped into Jacob’s 3-year-old brain and he had to get it out. 

An Imaginary Visit from Pa-Pa

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it on here before or not, but those days when Mommy is working (from 6:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.) and the boys and I are home by ourselves all day can feel really long. Of course, I’m sure they feel really long for Mommy as well, but it’s perhaps a different kind of long. An apples to oranges comparison, one might say.

Link-apalooza #11: On Spirit Animals

Horses (by Getty Images)

The other day I was listening to a podcast and, for some reason, I started thinking about Spirit Animals. I have no idea why, really. I mean, I’m pretty okay with animals; I generally like them and all. Yes, the more I think about it, I would definitely classify myself as pro-animal. And as far as spirits go, I’m pretty ambivalent. I have never taken a strong stance for or against. But, I can’t put my finger on why this particular podcast brought the Spirit Animal concept to mind. It’s not something I often think about. However, it just jumped right into my brain, like Bennett diving headlong into any full-size human he comes across who happens to be seated in an accessible position. I looked away for a second, and boom, there it was.

Green Day and Mumford & Sons…as Heard By My 3-Year-Old

Jacob (the 3-year-old) reached a very important developmental milestone recently: He started paying at least a small bit of attention to the songs playing on our car stereo system. I was happy at first, because I am more than ready to share my impeccable musical taste with my offspring. However, I was also a bit sad (isn’t that always how it is?) because it marked the end of the obliviousness era. Alas, my favorite 2 Live Crew CD and Tupac’s incomparable “Hit ‘Em Up” single must now be consigned to my handy Discman that I use when I’m working out. The kids are officially paying attention and impressionable.

Link-apalooza #10: The Dog Rescuer

I don’t know how this keeps happening, but these posts seem to keep getting farther apart. I’m just soooo busy, I tell you! This week I got sidetracked by rescuing a dog. No big deal. It’s kind of what I’m known for, as some of my most loyal readers (Mom) might remember.

This time around, the boys and I had just left my parents house when we passed a pickup truck going the other direction. When we were about even with the truck I noticed a small dog was attempting to throw himself out of the truck bed. I looked in the side mirror after we passed by and yes, confirmed, there it was: a dachshund toppling comically over the edge of the truck, flailing and flipping on its back as it fell to the road. The dog was clearly a bit stunned and took a second to gather himself before stumbling to his feet and hobbling to the sidewalk. I’m not sure, but I think he glanced around to make sure no one had seen his remarkably ungraceful tumble. The truck didn’t stop and continued to the very end of the dead-end street before turning into a driveway. I stopped the car, backed up, and got out. It was time for me to shine.

In case you were wondering, this is what a dachshund looks like. To be clear, this is not an actual picture of my dachshund, but rather, a dachshund file photo. But, how adorable is it that he's drinking out of a coffee cup?!? (Getty Images)