Hot off the presses

New article on the progress of ABK Consultants...

One Year and Nineteen Days In, ABK Keeps On Keeping On
Maverick Founder Touts Companies Continued “Awesomeness”

TITUSVILLE, FLORIDA – While the charred carcasses of once promising companies continue to blight the business landscape, one bright spot in the past year has been the emergence of the upstart ABK Consultants led by the indomitable CEO/CFO/CBA (Chief Bad-A$$) Andrew Knott. This “little engine that could” has chugged along in its first year and nineteen days and is poised to surge across the precipice in the near future.

“Our first year and nineteen days has far exceeded even my lofty expectations,” Knott said in a recent interview. “First off, our initial earnings projection was $0…and we beat that by posting a gain of $732.55. That comes out to $732.55 per share…I own the only share. By comparison, Google is $488 per share right now…you can draw your own conclusions.”

As a reward for the strong earnings report and the overall progress of ABK, Knott recently gave himself a promotion to the newly created post of CEO/CFO/CBA.

While earnings are the chief metric by which the market values a company’s prospects, Knott likes to delve deeper and has developed his own personal valuation system that he is more than happy to espouse upon when given the slightest opportunity.

“I’m a firm believer in the human qualities of business. A business is no more and no less than its people. In that vein, ABK is off to the best possible start…it consists of me, arguably the best person in the world.”

Moving forward, Knott plans to continue his “people first” approach. He vows that ABK’s focus in year two will be the creation of the “friendliest workplace in the universe.”

“We’re not worried about raw numbers in year two,” Knott said. “I want to keep it a lot more touchy feely. As we look to expand, we will focus on bringing more catchphrases and pithy aphorisms into the fold. And we will relentlessly expand our employee recognition program. The primary plank of this program is that the employee of the day will receive balloons with his/her name on them. We also want to make our office like a crunk night club...with Lady Gaga music on the sound system…because that’s what employees are looking for.”

The second point of emphasis for ABK in year two will be human capital development and expansion of client services. To further this aim, Knott has assigned himself to overseas training in Development Studies at the University of Cambridge.

“The reason for the Cambridge assignment is twofold,” Knott explained. “First, we need to build our brand…and nothing says brand building like ancient British universities. In fact, we had an hour long network special hosted by Ryan Seacrest to announce my university choice. We called it The Ascension and it drew tremendous interest to ABK.”

“Second, in our attempt to become perhaps the first full-service consulting firm in the world, we need to expand our client services beyond the biomedical and editorial sector. The fantastic thing about Development Studies is that it is so ambiguous that it can mean practically anything. After this training, we can claim expertise in pretty much whatever we want…human development, international development (the actual area of study in this case), sustainable development, organizational development…the possibilities are endless. Just try to think of any discipline that you can’t put ‘development’ after…”

When asked to comment on his knowledge of Cambridge, Knott did not pull any punches.

“I honestly know very little about it. Haven’t been there. I do know that it is freakin’ awesome though and people that go there are super cool. And…we hate Oxford…so much!”

Needless to say, the future looks bright for ABK. With Knott at the helm and a bold agenda for year two in place, it is just a matter of time before this fledgling company starts making waves in the consulting industry…on both sides of the Atlantic.